it WAS me

it's my fifth year staying in france now. and when i look back those four years i have been going through, i feel something different in me now. it WAS me.

today, after the badminton, i was with a bunch of friends of four, and we were heading back home together. like usual, i got nothing to say and i was walking in front of them. in the bus, i was sitting alone, without saying a word, and in the metro station, i was separated from them. (for those friends who are reading this, i'm not critising anyone. dont worry^^) and i suddenly thought of my first year in france.

i still remember vividly : once, a few friends of mine and I, we went for a orchestra since we got some free tickets in Tours. i think we were four, the only chinese (malaysian of course) girl and also the only chinese students studying together in Tours, and also 2 malays, i think. after the concert and also during the concert, they kept talking and i didnt even say a word. and when we were heading back home, i was walking alone, and they just kept talking among themselves and they didnt seem to care about me. at that time, my mood was really bad, i felt alone here, in this strange land, and there was nobody i can really talk to pour out to. and that night, i still remember i used my french number to call one of my best friend, Steven Ngu and we talked for about 15 or 20 minutes, and i paid for 10 euros for that! lol

i mean, how drastic changes have happened to me. that WAS me, i always care for the others' feelings, and each time i saw some of my friends who was neglected in the crowd and i would go for him/her. and i was expecting the same things but sadly, that's the truth and the truth is cruel. and today, the same thing happens and i dont really give a damn to it. sometimes, i think this changes would be something good, i mean, i need not to be dependant on other people. before, if some of my friends didnt invite me for something and they might have forgotten me, i'ld be like : shit, damn, you should invite me! what kind of friends when they forget you when they got something. and these few years, i learnt something cruel : you might take them for your best friends who you wanna approach to, but they might not be thinking the same thing. Im sorry, that's the fact, especially for guys, i think.

today, when i'm looking at myself, woah, that WAS me. it was really hard for me for the first year and the second year, and i really appreciate those who were by my side to go through those hard time, if not, you might not be able to see me today=p i might be inside the psychiatric hospital lol special thanks to those who are studying in south korea currently, especially leehong, dena, mayyee, amy, anna, and khai chee and also some of my friends, like vincent, steven ngu and ling lim hee. i dont know how long i havent talked to all of you, im sorry for that, but i still remember all of you. i better stop here, if not, she'ld be jealous and i'ld be a dead fish tomorrow when she sees this=p

yeah.. i really see the difference of mentality between we, malaysian and french people when the english teacher asked us to list out the most important 'value' in our society. and the top three are freedom, equality and the other one i cant remember. i think if we malaysian do the same thing, we wouldnt write the same thing, we might write : family (probably), most probably not freedom, since we're taught to have freedom in malaysia since we're young and there's no equality in malaysia, especially between different races in politics, scholars and etc. we might've listed love for one of top three, and probably the religion as well. from this, i could see the difference between us and french.

and 1 st year in engineering school, i see the difference as well. i really think we really have huge problem with our education system. in school, we're taught not to memorise the formulas, what we do, is just applying the formulas to questions. and for paper 1, we just need the answer, the professors doesnt care how you got the answer as long as you got the answer correct. and for paper two, we apply the formula and we never ask ourselves how the hell we have those formulas and we dont have to justify every single statement. but, in france, it's not like this, every line you write, you need to explain why to your teacher. they're trained to think out of box, they're trained to think more rather than just resolving the questions, and that's most probably why we never have scientists or inventors from malaysia? we're just not creative enough. and one thing good about french people is that they learn philosophy in schools. when i got my own child, i reallt want to teach them philosophy since they're young and it helps them think.

well, there're good things we should learn and of course some bad things as well. and i really dont like some of our malaysian who are just radical and narrow-minded. about the case which is really hot recently, i think they're just too much. a muslim going to pub doesnt mean they're really bad! i got a friend who went to soirée with us and french people, and we talked and we had fun during the party. and as long as he doesnt drink or hug any girls or kiss girls or have a night-stand, and that's fine. i mean, you come to their country to study and of course you should learn good things and their cultures too by mixing with them and talking to them. you expect them to stay among those malaysians everyday and every hours? what the hell? then you should just stay in malaysia to study as it's much cheaper to study in malaysia and i'ld save alot of money. i even know some muslims from malaysia who drinks alcohols as well. if im not born in malaysia and i dont have family in malaysia, i will never stay in malaysia. seriously.

its a long post indeed. i think i should stop now. well, good night!

i've changed alot especially my mentality. well, of course, some of them are good and some of them are bad as well. feel free to comment=)